I WAS pregnant.....key word......was.

So, ....its been a while since I blogged. I had changed my home page and forgot all about this. But not anymore. On February 11th, i found out I was pregnant. I had been tired, cranky, and cried at the drop of a hat. It was going great until our 8 week appointment. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat and a fetus that was small for the due date. Before the want was even removed, the doctor told us that there was no living baby inside of me and that a D&C was suggested. I knew i was a late ovulator so that there was still a chance, however miniscule, that my baby would be okay. But I said nothing and left the office crying.

I called my mom and told her what i thought. And she agreed. I asked for a blood test to check my hormone levels. Even if I still had lost the baby, I would know without a doubt and there would have been no doubt that I made the wrong choice going with the D&C.

I prayed everynight from the time I found out I was pregnant. But now I prayed even harder. I took us a YEAR to get here! Surely there would be a good result to all of this stress, right? but it wasn't to be. My mom drove 2 1/2 hours with my little sister to be there with me for the last blood draw and to wait for the phone call. The doctor called and with the calm resolve of the hopeful, I took the bad news. My heart broke into a million pieces and it would take time to put it back together, minus one tiny piece. You never know total heartbreak until you have to call your husband and tell him you lost the baby....

....wait. LOST the baby? It's not like my car keys, which I lose on a regular basis. This baby was always in the same spot! I dont understand why they say...., "I'm sorry, but you lost the baby." as if you should have kept better track of it. But I digress....

We opted to wait for nature to take it's course. The risks of a D&C or the Pill were not risks that we wanted. But it took TWO WEEKS. And when nature took its course, it ended up being so bad that I went to the hospital for an emergency D&C. but that is a story for another day.

What bothers me the most is that So many people stop talking to you. They don't know what they should and shouldn't say so they just stop talking. They act like your baby never existed. And some people stop talking to you all together. So, like most women, I began to believe that my only choice was to suffer in silence. To mourn the "lost" baby, just me and my family. But that is not acceptable. Why should people mourn the loss of born human beings more openly than a mother grieving the loss of her unborn child? If life begins at conception, then a life is a life, no matter how long they lived, right? Every living being deserves a name and to be remembered.

What also bothers me is when the people who hadn't heard about the miscarriage finally get told, by you or other people. Then comes the days or weeks of pitying looks. That happened to me LAST WEEK. and its been MONTHS. I've dealt with it on my own. I didn't need to be treated like this was new or that I even WANTED this womans pity. I barely even know her. But she feels the need to tiptoe around me now and treat me like a dying woman. Like i need special treatment. What would make me feel SOO MUCH BETTER is to be treated normally. For me to get back to normal all of the time, not just at home.

We got the greenlight to try again for another baby after my 2nd cycle. well, We missed the boat on last month and mother nature reared her ugly head. But we will try again this month. More on that later. I didn't intend for this to be some long drawn out rant or life story. I just hope that even one woman realizes that a miscarriage is life changing, but its not something we should be ashamed to talk about. When I went through mine, a few women opened up to me. Is it because they feel nobody else cares or wants to know? Or are we just sheltering the women who have never gone through it and never will?

3 weeks and CRAP

Well, i'd have blogged sooner but the SPAM-Bots thought my blog was a spam blog, so it had to be read by a REAL person to see that it wasn't just some crappy spam blog.
SO my OPK's came in the mail and i tested the HOUR they came and go figure it showed a dark line! so we kept testing and kept trying and hopefully this month will be the month! although i'm beginning to doubt it. i could be wrong, but i'm starting to feel those menstrual cramps coming on. hopefully they are just MOMMY type cramps. cross your fingers for me. my period is due tomorrow. I would LOVE to give my husband a postive pregnancy test for his birthday!
more tomorrow.

L

welcome,....first entry. WOW

There is so much on my mind right now I thought it would be a good and healthy thing to do would be to blog it. to put it out there. If only one person (besides me) is going through the same thing, then we know we aren't alone, right?

I'll give you a quick run down on my life. I met my husband in 3rd grade. I HATED him until highschool. He was the mean little kid who picked on you beyond the point of having a crush. Or so I thought. But we grew from friends into High School Sweethearts. He made me a CD to ask me out. That was March 1st, 2001. We've since had a few bumps in the road, but after a 6 month break-up, we found our way back to eachother days after a friends wedding. I caught the bouquet and he caught the garter. We danced and it was all over from there. He proposed in February 2005, cute and unexpected. In march of 2006, we found ourselves the proud parents of a springer spaniel mutt, Odin. He's tried our nerves with housebreaking, but the cuddles and kisses and fun memories more than make up for the sleepless nights we had with him as a little pup. We got married July 28th, 2007. In front of our family and friends. It's certainly been an eventful first year. We've had our ups and downs, we've suffered our losses and made it through it closer than ever.

My husband is a college graduate with a mechanical engineering major. In February he got a great job at a metal fabrication company as an engineer. He loves his job, and the guys he works with and it's a little more money in the bank. So we are looking at purchasing a house in the spring and we have since started trying to start our family. And there in lies the current thoughts in my mind. We have been trying since FEBRUARY. I have tried Basal body temping, smep, and finally 2 days ago, i broke down and bought some opk's. 9 month of trying! I can't help but wonder if there isn't a problem with one of us! I know Jeremy isn't as worried because all the books and websites say you shouldn't worry until its been a year and you haven't successfully gotten pregnant. I know a few months of stress here and there have been deterrents in our goal for baby-makin'. But COME ON! We've got a list of names, well, I DO. Because in AUGUST i was TEN DAYS LATE. It turned out that I was just LATE. We were very hopeful that it would finally be the month. And just so you know, i am NOT sharing my list. lol. I am unwilling to give anybody the idea to STEAL my names. HAHAHAHA. just kidding. I'll share next time or something. I just needed to get it out there that I BOUGHT ovulation prediction kits! I bought little sticks that i will religiously URINATE on so that I can have INTERCOURSE at the RIGHT TIME. lol. I am BOUND and determined to get pregnant this year. otherwise i'm looking at being pregnant durring the HOTTEST part of the year. Jeremy will attest that I am NORMALLY a moody, cranky person. Add pregnancy hormones to that and I'm sure I will drive him to drinking! So here's to peeing on sticks to correctly make the sexy time. and HOPEFULLY my mailed package with the pee sticks will get here soon. I have a VERY optimistic feeling about this month. So here is to lots of properly timed baby-making. YEEEEEAH!