I WAS pregnant.....key word......was.

So, ....its been a while since I blogged. I had changed my home page and forgot all about this. But not anymore. On February 11th, i found out I was pregnant. I had been tired, cranky, and cried at the drop of a hat. It was going great until our 8 week appointment. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat and a fetus that was small for the due date. Before the want was even removed, the doctor told us that there was no living baby inside of me and that a D&C was suggested. I knew i was a late ovulator so that there was still a chance, however miniscule, that my baby would be okay. But I said nothing and left the office crying.

I called my mom and told her what i thought. And she agreed. I asked for a blood test to check my hormone levels. Even if I still had lost the baby, I would know without a doubt and there would have been no doubt that I made the wrong choice going with the D&C.

I prayed everynight from the time I found out I was pregnant. But now I prayed even harder. I took us a YEAR to get here! Surely there would be a good result to all of this stress, right? but it wasn't to be. My mom drove 2 1/2 hours with my little sister to be there with me for the last blood draw and to wait for the phone call. The doctor called and with the calm resolve of the hopeful, I took the bad news. My heart broke into a million pieces and it would take time to put it back together, minus one tiny piece. You never know total heartbreak until you have to call your husband and tell him you lost the baby....

....wait. LOST the baby? It's not like my car keys, which I lose on a regular basis. This baby was always in the same spot! I dont understand why they say...., "I'm sorry, but you lost the baby." as if you should have kept better track of it. But I digress....

We opted to wait for nature to take it's course. The risks of a D&C or the Pill were not risks that we wanted. But it took TWO WEEKS. And when nature took its course, it ended up being so bad that I went to the hospital for an emergency D&C. but that is a story for another day.

What bothers me the most is that So many people stop talking to you. They don't know what they should and shouldn't say so they just stop talking. They act like your baby never existed. And some people stop talking to you all together. So, like most women, I began to believe that my only choice was to suffer in silence. To mourn the "lost" baby, just me and my family. But that is not acceptable. Why should people mourn the loss of born human beings more openly than a mother grieving the loss of her unborn child? If life begins at conception, then a life is a life, no matter how long they lived, right? Every living being deserves a name and to be remembered.

What also bothers me is when the people who hadn't heard about the miscarriage finally get told, by you or other people. Then comes the days or weeks of pitying looks. That happened to me LAST WEEK. and its been MONTHS. I've dealt with it on my own. I didn't need to be treated like this was new or that I even WANTED this womans pity. I barely even know her. But she feels the need to tiptoe around me now and treat me like a dying woman. Like i need special treatment. What would make me feel SOO MUCH BETTER is to be treated normally. For me to get back to normal all of the time, not just at home.

We got the greenlight to try again for another baby after my 2nd cycle. well, We missed the boat on last month and mother nature reared her ugly head. But we will try again this month. More on that later. I didn't intend for this to be some long drawn out rant or life story. I just hope that even one woman realizes that a miscarriage is life changing, but its not something we should be ashamed to talk about. When I went through mine, a few women opened up to me. Is it because they feel nobody else cares or wants to know? Or are we just sheltering the women who have never gone through it and never will?